Losing weight one sometimes thinks all will be better…if I just lose weight.
While absolutely many things are better when one gets to a healthy weight, not all issues go away and new ones can develop.
Being a female and one that always did, and does, for others first I constantly found myself at the bottom of my list and never crossed off. That just increased substantially when I gained a husband and family. My to-do list never got done so my needs seemed to also go unattended to. As a result my health suffered, my relationship with my husband and children also suffered eventually. My self esteem virtually was nonexistent. I had a hard time making friends and more and more found myself wanting to just be alone, but then hating being alone.
You see from my wedding photo I was not thin when I married, but my husband was. In fact I was over 200 pounds when we got married and before getting pregnant a year later. So, weight definitely was an issue.
My mom had a weight problem all the while I was growing up and still does. I remember her going to Weight Watchers so many times, then dragging me along with her when I was 16. Looking back I see a problem developing around a not so healthy outlook with my relationship with food. My parents, though I am sure meant well, became the food police and that was replaced with my husband when we got married. This absolutely did nothing to help me but rather pushed my issues inward and that is when the secret eating began.
Food was my comforter. It did not expect anything back from me. It did not tell me what I needed to do. It was just there. It satisfied what I wanted, even if for just a moment.
My husband kept telling me if I loved him I would lose the weight. So not true! I did and do love him but the 2 were not connected in that way.In his mind I am sure they were, but he just could not see things through my eyes. So many nights were wasted fighting over this issue only for it not to be resolved and me feeling that much more worthless and a complete failure. This too fed into the secret eating because he still would police what I ate and now if I ate anything “wrong” well that just brought on more issues. Now looking back I began lying to myself as well. Food truly now became the only thing in my life that would not judge me, so again it was what I turned to…in secret.
For so long I became a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when it came to food and eating. By day I was, and had to be, perfectly “on plan”. At night or times I was actually alone all that went away and the evil me arrived eating everything I was being told to not eat. The drive-thru was my friend…until we moved to a small town and I no longer could hide going there.
Ice Cream…Ben & Jerry’s oh so good!
I loved shopping the after holiday sales and loading my cart with the holiday goodies and then hiding them from the family so I selfishly could gorge on them when I would steal a private moment away to have a brief fling.
Until these past few weeks I had not dealt with all of that and to tell the world about it? Well I am opening myself up. I know I need to. I need to unload all the guilt…the shame…the negativity that goes with it. I need to release the old me completely…owning up to what I did and welcome the new me here.
Because the old me has come back because I never truly let her go. My way of dealing with stress is to eat, or I should say the way I used to deal with stress was to eat and that is what the past 2 weeks have been for me. I found myself looking for excuses to go to the store….alone….so I could get candy and eat it before I got home…in secret. That is when I ran into a friend who was doing the same thing and it all clicked to me. What I had been doing all those years and what I was allowing to creep back in. I cannot allow that to happen. I will NOT allow that to happen. I never want to be that 371 pound unhappy woman again!
I want to feel healthy.
I want to BE healthy.
I am almost the woman my husband married 20 years ago and before long I will be a new woman he was never been married to.
I am working on the head. I want to be able to acknowledge I am not the same person I was in many ways. The core me will always be the same. The confident person inside though is just urging to get out. I need to be able to let her out and let go of the introverted unhappy me.
I am ready…
Until next time…