I need to own my decisions. I have realized this already, BUT a bit of realization came to me more so after reading this post from Melting Momma! I LOVED this. It gave me a bit of insight I really needed today! Thank you!
My realization was, part of me had not completely owned the decision to have gastric bypass or any weight loss surgery for that matter. I am a strange egg. I have known this for a long time. See I do not want to compete with anyone to lose weight. I find that discouraging. I’d rather not have a diet “buddy”.
The whole diet “buddy” thing has backfired on me too many times. Too much to go into completely and I really don’t feel like boring you with all the details. Let’s just say I do not want someone to ‘do this with me’ because then the “cheerleader” in me begins to cheer the other person on and I lose sight of my fight. The other scenario that has happened the most is my “buddy” quits. This just totally discourages me. I just cannot/will not do that anymore.
Back a bit to owning my decision. I did feel obligated to have surgery in a way…to my husband. Again without going into too many details, my excess weight has been an issue from time in our almost 19 years of marriage and was 
scared to death if I backed out of it he would be discouraged. Yep here I go putting others ahead of me. To a point I will not change that part of my personality as this defines who I am and I truly like who I am. I love the part of me that cares for others. What I need to learn is to add myself to that list of people I care about and not neglect my own needs.
I may go back and forth a bit, so please bear with me. In the end I think it will all be very clear. At least I hope so.
I owned THIS decision, felt good about it.
I would be 2 days over a month post-op had I not cancelled the December 15th date I had. My weight has not budged that much.
I feel like I had been mourning over the loss of food. Food that I have used for so many years as a coping mechanism. Food that is always there for me, no matter what. Food that does not judge me. Food that comforts me, though only temporarily. Food that helps me hide what I am really feeling. Food that helps me push those feelings way away so I do not have to deal with them. Food that tastes oh so good, especially what is not good for my body.
My goal has not changed…at all. I want AND need to get myself to a healthy weight, healthy BMI. I want to feel better. I want to have more energy. I want my insides to not be in the sad shape of this poor soul on the left, but rather the subject on the right.
I see this and think “Oh what have I done to myself”!!?? No wonder my poor joints hurt so badly! And to think this scan is of someone even lighter than myself. By roughly 70 pounds!
I have been researching bariatric surgery still, only have been focusing on the RNY instead of the sleeve and really weighing all my options. I need to really make sure I have other coping skills to handle stress other than food as that is a must no matter if I decide surgery is for me or not.
Change is a must for me and I know this. The above is a good reminder that it is a necessary thing I need to do.
The reality is the “mourning” of food is over, at least for now. I cannot say for certain if the “mourning” is over for good, my best guess is it will raise it’s ugly head now and again no matter what I decide.
Hope things are clear as mud for you now! 
Have you ever “mourned” food?
Trish
Oh Trish, I get this way more than you know...doing for others and NOT wanting to change a part of that personality trait..and the wanting to be healthy and the food being such a friend, a comfort, all of it. The fear of losing that friend that has ALWAYS been there.
ReplyDeleteTHAT is the inside work I have done for the last 6 months. But the strange thing isn't that I didn't lose a friend like I always thought, I have found a new companion...in myself..and I have other things to deal with those things that only food could replace before...BUT it took a lot of mental exercises to change all of that....
I applaude you for taking the necessary time to make a decision even if you change your mind a time or two or three or four! SO many people just jump in for a quick fix without thinking about the long term effects and without dealing with the emotional problems they have with food. Mourning food is real without a doubt! It has obviously been there through everything in one form or another it is hard to let it go. You will know when you are fully ready no matter what path you choose.
ReplyDelete