Only 2 days left of my juice commitment, feeling great, and then, out of NOWHERE I binged!!! No reason for it…other than I just did. Self sabotage? Yes I believe so! I am sooo very upset with myself! Why?! I have been here before and I just do not have any clue outside of fear. Fear of losing the protection emotionally of the outer fat I have.
<SIGH>
I cannot think maybe I made a mistake cancelling my surgery. It really scares me, the thought of going under the “knife”, but maybe I should be more afraid of dying young, developing complications due to my weight instead. Maybe I just need a little more time to let the whole rearrangement of my guts to sink in. To process the whole idea.
It also does not help I stepped on the scale and have not lost anymore weight despite juicing and exercising. Hmmm, maybe that is why I binged?!
So I am cracking out my bariatric bible again and prayerfully going to reconsider upping my surgeon follow-up appointment. I have an appointment for March but think I might see about going this month or next instead. Not sure.
I just really need to get this weight off and I really thought jump starting my weight loss with a juice fast would push me forward. It is not. I feel like I have failed!
I think too I still felt feel a bit of, hmm not sure the word here, but that having the surgery was me giving up. Really it is not giving up though and I see that now. I need to make changes. Changes that will be sustaining.
The things I’d need to give up do not even compare to what I’d gain. 
I have been at this weight loss journey so long I think at times I just resolve in my heart that I will never be a healthy weight and just need to learn to live with it, but the truth is, I am not really living! I am really just surviving, existing.
The other part of this equation to me cancelling my surgery was that I was not having the sleeve, but the bypass. You know what I think I NEED to have the bypass NOT the sleeve. The possibility of experiencing the “dumping” syndrome needs to a part of that tool I need. I found myself during this binge eating sugar on top of sugar!
So where am I? Not completely sure yet, I do know I need to definitely prayerfully reconsider my decision.
I feel like caving. Just isolating myself, but know THAT will NOT help me in the least. Crying? Oh yes, at the drop of a hat! Emotions are upside down!
It is sort of funny how when I told everyone I cancelled my surgery, it seems no one heard me say I have not completely taken that option off the table. I was only postponing it. Then so many all of a sudden starting telling me horror stories of ones they knew that had a lot of complications or died and were happy I was not having the surgery. That is ok, I know they only have my best interest at heart and I am very grateful for that.
If You Don’t Like It…Change It!
I don’t like it! I don’t like how I feel. I don’t like my knees are hurting more and more. So I need to change things up. But how? What? That needs to be determined. I NEED to make changes! Serious changes. Sustainable changes!!
So after all this, then I begin thinking, it hits me…I only need to lose 2 pounds a week and I will lose 104 pounds this year. 2 pounds!!!! Why can I not lose 2 pounds a week consistently!!!???? If I did I would be at goal in less than 2 years!!!!
I hate counting calories or points! It has a bad effect on me. Really it does. I become very obsessive and my thinking turns to an all or nothing mentality…perfection really. BUT I can not be perfect, so I have to admit to myself this just truly sets me up for failure. I read that and it sounds like an excuse, but it truly is not. I do know myself a bit and this happens EVERYTIME I start to count…be it points or calories. This I know is not an option for me. What I need to do is some real hard soul searching.
I NEED to make peace with food. I NEED to figure out and acknowledge what I am covering or ignoring when I eat things that are not good for me. Or more importantly when I binge. Why do I sabotage my efforts? WHY!!???
I am still exercising and am thankful for MTF pack from Carla. THAT is helping to keep me moving despite the binge I had! No excuses there. Thankfully! Thank you Carla!!
Trish
Trish...no excuses does NOT mean perfection! It's so hard, this journey...and the whole point of the challenge is that YOU ARE WORTH IT! All I would recommend is that you find that fear and the reason for the need for self-protection BEFORE you re-schedule a surgery. With the surgery, as often is seen, those fears, those reasons, still happen and the same coping mechanisms can no longer be used...then what...
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Trish, I echo what Jules said...and HIGHLY recommend some sort of therapy if you aren't already doing so. And I heard you when you said you were postponing the surgery, not canceling it. You have every right to change your mind, several times, if you want. Now, take a deeeeeep breath and say, "I'm okay and don't deserve to beat myself up, EVER."
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